Christmas

Christmas is often a time of dysregulation for wounded children.  It may trigger conscious and/or subconscious memories of past Christmases that involved fighting, abuse, drinking, no gifts or celebration and be a reminder of the loss of a biological family.  This time of year can bring with it a change in structure and routine at home and school and an increase in activities and sensory impute which most wounded children do not handle well.  It can create a sense of losing control, stressed and distracted adults and overwhelming expectations.

Keeping things as low key as possible, focusing the child's brain and energy on the real meaning of Christmas instead of gifts and Santa and making sure the child/ren have lots of time with mom and dad will help get through this time of year more easily for the family.  Here are some ideas:

1) Make gifts instead of buying presents for family, friends and neighbors.  Purchase gift bags that can be decorated and spend time with the children decorating them.  Fill them with items the family has made together such as baked goods and fruit, fill a jar with dry ingredients for cookies, breads or hot drinks, make homemade Christmas ornaments, cards and/or small gifts.  Chocolate Mint Spoon, Hot Chocolate Spoons, Mason Jar Recipes.  This can provide an appropriate way to use up that nervous energy and get the mind focused on something positive as well as some mommy or daddy time for your child.

2)  Cover an empty tissue box with construction paper, print out pictures of an empty manager and glue on to each side.  Tell the children that for hundreds of years people prayed and longed for Christ to come to save the world. Have the children place notes in the "manager" that express what they hope for; for each member in the family, for their friends, for people in the world.  They can write special prayers for loved ones who are hurting, children in other countries who are suffering and people they know who don't know Christ as their savior.  Then on Christmas Eve take away the "empty manager" and replaced it with a nativity.

3) Celebrate advent.

4) Read about Christmas decorations and/or symbols as they are used to decorate the tree and/or house.

5) Create the custom of each person only receiving 3 gifts.  Before gifts are opened, shared information about the 3 gifts Jesus received . 

Wisdom

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  

Your child has been wounded, a wound that has had a negative impact on his or her development and emotional health.  Love alone will not heal your child's wounds.  

Courage to change the things I can.

Successfully healing a wounded child involves change, lots of change.  Changing those things about yourself that create barriers to the process and those beliefs that keep you from doing what is needed.  Sometimes change will involves learning new parenting skills and a different way of looking at your relationship with your child.

Wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom is the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense and insight.  Any professionals working with you and your child need to be helping you gain knowledge, understanding and insight.  If not find someone who will.  Learn from your experiences and when those experiences are not successful, let them be lessons, not failures

Lessons Bring Blessings

A wounded child comes into your life as a lesson.  Some people reject or ignore the lesson and therefore don't receive the blessing.  But successfully parenting a wounded child involves a journey of learning from and through the lesson. God is using your child as a lesson to teach you what He needs you to learn so you can complete the task/s He has for you to do.  It involves recognizing your weakness and needs and learning to overcome them, how to use your strengths and resources effectively, opening your eyes to how He sees people and situations and helping you develop into the person He plans for you to become.  It is through this lesson that blessings come into your life including other people who will help you on this journey.

Joseph had a lesson to learn, one that he would have most likely not volunteered for.  During the time Joseph's lesson first took place things might have seemed hopeless and confusing and resulted in doubts occurring.   Then things turned around for Joseph for a number of years.  However God knew Joseph's lesson was not complete so He put him into a situation where he was most likely to allow himself to be lead and to learn.  And from this lesson came blessings beyond anything Joseph could have imagined.  

Will you accept the lesson God has presented you with?  If you have already completed your lesson, feel free to share what you learned and the blessings you received through and from the lesson.

With You God I Am Strong

The hardest battle parents of a wounded child face is taking some of their focus off the child and putting it on themselves.  God brought this child into your life for a purpose but that purpose is not solely about the child, that is not how God works.  His plan also includes working on you through the child to bring about your own healing and growth.   

Your plan is for your wounded child to heal and have a satisfying and productive life.  God wants that for your child too but He also has a plan for you.  

Every adverse experience God allows His children to go through is an opportunity for growth and healing.  Moses was to lead the people out of Egypt and into the promise land.  While God was working on changing the (behaviors) hearts and minds of the Egyptians, He was also working on changing the heart and mind of Moses, something that had to be done before the plan could be fulfilled.  I am sure Moses would have picked a different plan for fulfilling God's promise and at times he tried to talk God out of His plan but God's plan was multi-focused.  He didn't just want to bring the people into the promise land but to heal and prepare Moses and His people for the things to come and a closer relationship with Him.  

Are you open to expanding your plan and focus on changing your child to include changing yourself?  Are you standing in the way of God's plan  because of your ego, dismissing the help God has provided and having an unwillingness to look inside yourself and what God wants to change about you?   Are you so fearful of being hurt that you are shutting off your own heart and attempting to take control away from God, just as your child did to protect his/her heart?  

God's plan is much bigger than yours.  Isaiah 55:8 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.   

  

The Success Of Love Is In The Loving

"The success of love is in the loving—it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done. The more we can remove this priority for results the more we can learn about the contemplative element of love. There is the love expressed in the service and the love in the contemplation. It is the balance of both which we should be striving for. Love is the key to finding this balance."  Mother Teresa


Loving a wounded child has little to do with the child and everything to do with the parent.  It comes from the individual, not the relationship, and is motivated by the kind of person you are, not the kind of person your child is.  Love should be given freely, not as a debt to be paid off or an investment that you expect returns on.  

You can not measure the value of the love you gave by the wounded child's response but instead measure it by how much love you showed that day. Did you love as much as you were capable of?  Are you satisfied with the love you gave that day?  You have no control over how the child will receive their love but you have complete power over how much love you show to the child.  

"This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you."  God loved us before we loved Him.  He loves us unconditionally.  He loves us when we were/are rebellious, rejecting and self-centered.   We do not deserve His love but He gives it because He loves.      

At the end of the day, it is not the child that determines the worth of the love you showed that day, but God.  So how are you doing in the love department?  Ask God.  And when you feel you have no more love to give then ask God to send His love through you.